How you Experience Me is Not Who I Am

When you come to experience someone, perhaps for the first time, perhaps the first of many times (each is the first time you have experienced them in this moment), what you experience is not who they are...

That person that you really don't like...that person you love...that person who annoys you...that waitress who flirts all the time....that bloke who can always do things just that little bit better than you (apparently)...they are all people that you are experiencing, but what you experience is not who they are...

Take you on a good day: 

You got up and your hair looked great, you were awake and fresh and feeling vibrant, you had a lovely breakfast, you popped into the local coffee shop to pick up a snack and a drink and because you feel so great you smile widely at the person behind the counter. You ask how they are, you wish them a good day, you are genuine, you are happy and you wanted them to feel good too...more than likely they will experience you as a bubbly, bright person that they enjoy seeing and left them feeling a little bit better than they did before as a result of having met you. Next time you see them they might even give you better service than normal, greet you with a smile, remember your order...

Take you on a bad day: 

The kids woke you up at some un-Godly hour, you didn't have time for a shower, you are tired, you have an appointment you need to get to and you are running late, the boiler broke this morning so you know that you can't even have a shower when you get home (unless you fancy a cold one) and the day has already gone to pot before you even started it. This time you go into the local coffee shop and snap at the person serving you because they are taking ages to notice that you are standing there (too busy chatting...what are you invisible??), they get the order wrong so they have to start again and now you are even more late, you scowl at them and pretend that you mean it when you say 'thank you' even though you think they did a sloppy job and should quite frankly get fired. More than likely the person who served you will experience you as moody, ungrateful, unaware that they were trying their best, that you think you are better than them, that you are looking tired and grubby and they would be glad if they never saw you again...

Both are different experiences of you, they are not who you are. You are not bubbly and bright, nor are you grumpy and annoyed - they are expressions of you at a certain point of time that reflect what was going on for you at that moment, they lead to an experience of you in another's eyes but they are not YOU. 

When you come across someone who holds a view of you because of a moment in time when they experienced you, try to remember that their impressions are formed in that moment and can last a lifetime unless they regularly experience you in another way after that (and even then it can be hard to shift first impressions).

By the same token, when you experience someone and you note that in that moment they are a reflection of tiredness, grumpiness, hostility or anything else you experience as negative that this is not who they are - this is just how you came to experience them in that one moment.

How will someone experience you today? How will you experience others? Will you see through your experience to something deeper in them? 

It is also important to note that how YOU are will affect how you experience another. If you are full of self-doubt and meet another who you find to be unkind towards you (or not, depending on your own personality) because your experience is coloured by your own emotions and your self doubt will muddy the waters of your perception in that moment.

Here is a quick checklist for showing up as your best self:

1. Remember that the first impression you give can end up being the ONLY impression someone ever holds of you - make it a great one!

2. Others appear to you as a reflection of their own current experience - leave room for your first impressions to be wrong when you meet someone.

3. Your own state of mind will affect how you see another - before you decide what you think of them, check in with yourself and see what might be going on that could have biased your view.

When have you experienced someone in a way that has coloured your judgement of them? When have you felt misunderstood for who you really are? What do you do to show up as your best self? 

Why life demands Miracle, Mystery and Authority

D.H Lawrence asks the question 'Will mankind always demand miracle, mystery and authority?'

Is that true? Even in today's society? Do we really still have a need for these things or is that just a past thought that is no longer true for us today in a world of science and logic?

Is it true that we really demand Miracles?

A quick search on the UK's Amazon website reveals that there are 39,367 books listed with the word 'miracle' in the title...something tells me we are still searching for a miracle, that we are still innately attracted to the idea that miracles exist.

A miracle is defined in the good old Oxford Dictionary as:

'An extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and therefore attributed to a divine agency'

or

'A remarkable event or development that brings very welcome consequences'

or

'An exceptional product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something'

It is perhaps no surprise then that the most watched TV shows ever in the world are the Superbowl championships in America, that the most watched TV broadcast EVER in the UK was the 1966 England World Cup win or that the most popular shows on TV now include all the reality shows that look for singing talent (you know the ones I mean I'm sure!) - we are constantly still drawn, like moths to a flame to any 'remarkable event or development that brings very welcome consequences'...they are miracles that give us hope and we can inhale that hope into our own lives as we watch the miracle unfold, as we wait with baited breath to see how things will turn out, as we cross our fingers, wiggle around on the edge of our seats in anticipation and feel more and more alive as that miracle feeds every soul who is watching/reading or experiencing in some way the amazing events that we see. It gives us hope that good things can happen, it gives us proof that good exists.

We LOVE to hope. Perhaps that is the meaning behind our need for miracles - we demand hope and miracles are proof that hope is worthwhile. It is worth holding out for more, for better, for the outside chance...because miracles do happen. If we believe in miracles, that belief can be the driving force that keeps us trying again and again to achieve something we want, to get well even if we are really poorly, to get up and dust ourselves down even when the going gets tough because we have hope, we have a belief in the fact that a miracle may just happen to us.

I'm sure it is no coincidence that the most popular self help book of all time is 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' a collection of stories that bring hope and explore the best examples of humanity - a collection of mini miracles for us to draw from, learn from and feel good about.

We need hope, we need miracles...it is our Chicken Soup for the Soul.

However, these are 'everyday' miracles, the David and Goliath moments that bring us together and bring us to life...what of the miracles that are described in the initial description in the dictionary?

Are we just as comfortable with the idea that a miracle is:


'An extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and therefore attributed to a divine agency'


The number of books sold on the subjects which explore this idea would suggest that whilst we may look to understand the mystery through science, logic, common sense and our own experiences we are still hugely enthralled by there being a 'higher power'. I recently read Jon Ronson's book 'The Men who Stare at Goats' and it seems that even within the realms of the CIA we are still looking for a power beyond ourselves to show that we can harness the power of miracles and hope that they may really exist - or that that higher power exists.

Is that then why religion still exists? Is that where our need for Authority comes in? Is our ultimate goal to discover that over and above any human authority figure we may look to, that there is a higher authority than that? A divine authority even?

Before we get into that...lets look at whether we demand mystery...

If mystery is defined by the fact that we need the unknown, that we need something to ponder on, something unsolved to put our minds to exploring and coming up with answers for then I would say that we can almost definitely answer that yes, we demand mystery. We LOVE a good mystery!

Do ghosts exist? Why are we here? How did life begin and why? Does he love me? Why do we die? What happens after we die? What is love? 

Every time we ask a question related to something we don't understand we are attempting to solve a mystery...even if it is only a mystery to ourselves...what is MY purpose, why do I keep procrastinating? Why is this rash on my face? Etc.

So there is mystery for as long as there are still questions...but do we need it?

To answer that we need to look at what would happen if there was no mystery. Imagine you wake up one morning and everything you ever wanted to know had been answered for you...imagine you could go to your computer and have a programme where you typed in any question you could possibly ever have and get an answer....

hmmm...sound like something we already have? Yup...we have this already, we have the answers to every question at our fingertips, it's called Google...so why do we feel like we haven't? Is it because we don't have one definitive answer to our questions? Is it because we have in fact got MANY answers? If we have a myriad of possibilities in terms of what answer we might find is it true therefore we have no real answers, only partial answers, only options for answers? Even the most seemingly definite of answers can be subjective if we want them to be - think of the person who has been told that they have incurable cancer only to find that actually it was curable because they no longer have it. Think of the person who was born a boy only to find that actually they were a girl in a boy's body...is there anything definitive at all in life and do we like it that way?

The moment we think we have the answers, more questions pop up. We thought we had it all sorted with the Big Bang theory....nope, that is still evolving as an answer too!

Perhaps the reason we will always have mystery (and want it) and will never have all the answers is because our truth is subjective and that's what we love about it - it means things can always change, it means there is always room for a miracle!

My truth on what is right and wrong is not the same truth for another. Mystery is there because we do not all experience life in the same way or through the same eyes or the same experiences.

I think a bit of mystery makes us feel more alive, it gives us a game to play, a childlike excitement that the answers are out there if we go looking for them, like a giant treasure hunt.

It's a bit like a relationship that has gone stale because there is no more mystery...life gets stale and boring when there is nothing new to bring to it...mystery is newness...we love something brand new or at least the possibility of it.

Do we demand Authority? 

As humans we strive to create answers to the miracles of life and expose the truths behind its mystery and we need someone in authority to deliver those answers before we will believe them.

There are so many aspects to Authority and the psychology connected to it that I cannot explore them all here...so for the purposes of keeping this as short as possible I have presented just one idea - that of Authority being our way of diminishing responsibility.

We demand that there is someone or something higher up the chain that we can blame if things go wrong:

'he told me to do it', 'life didn't give me any other option', 'God told me it was the right path'.

I think generally we demand authority because we don't want to feel responsible.

We even assign God this way out...'humanity is the way it is because I told them not to eat the apple and they did...NOT MY FAULT', really? Even God gets to blame someone else? What kind of an example is that to set? 

We want someone to tell us what to do, what the boundaries are, where is safe to explore - partly because if it goes wrong it is not our fault but also because we want to minimize other risks (not just the risk of having to be responsible), the risk of taking the wrong career path, the wrong turning on our way to somewhere new, marrying the wrong person etc.

Authority is in demand because it takes the pressure off us to make choices and also ensures that those choices, should they turn out not to be as great as we thought they would be, are not our fault.

Why does life demand Miracles, Mystery and Authority?

Because life without miracles is life without hope, life without mystery is life without new experiences, life without authority is life without boundaries or a safety net.

Whilst this is by no means the fullest exploration of this subject - so many other things came up when I was writing it, like our need for control and how this contrasts with our need for mystery, our need for solid explanation and how this contrasts with our need for inexplicable miracles, it is however a starting point for further discussion...

What are your thoughts? Do you demand these things in your life? Why? What is the deeper need behind it for you? If you don't demand them why not? 

Starting a Business: How do I know what my business should be?

So you know that you want to run your own business - but do you know what that business is yet? Do you know what will keep you in it for the long haul? What will stop you getting bored with it? How do you know if it will be a success?

In this series of Starting a Business articles I am going to look at how to identify the business you would most likely be successful at, what will determine its success, how to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and how to ensure you can be committed enough to make it work.

This first article will look at five ways to find the business that will suit you. It covers similar things to other articles because life and work constantly cross over in their psychology.

1) Identify what you want

What exactly is it that you would change about your current situation? Are you working too many hours? Do you need to feel like you are giving more to people or giving less even? Do you want to be more flexible in your working hours or do you want more of a fixed schedule? Do you want more social interaction or to get away from the politics of the office? Do you want to work from home? Do you want to reduce your travel time? Do you want more variety? What is it that dissatisfies you currently? Make a list, make it a list that is really hones in on EXACTLY what you want to change (e.g how many hours do you want to work, how often would you interact with others face to face?). Outline your ideal day from the moment you wake until the moment you go to sleep. What do you notice in there that doesn't feature in your everyday life at the moment? Would you like to start the day with a walk or an exercise class? Would you like to spend time in the garden? Perhaps you would like to go out for lunch everyday? Write it all down and highlight the points that you feel most strongly about. Make a final 'must have' list of things that you really don't want to compromise on and put them in order. If the one thing that you absolutely won't compromise on is, for example, your working hours put this on the top of the list.


2) Identify what drives you

When you were a child what was it that you wanted to do? What about when you were a teenager? What is the essence of these things? Did you want to be a policeman because you like the idea of feeling like you could protect others or maybe because you wanted to feel important in the eyes of others, perhaps you liked the idea of the uniform? Did you want to do something creative? Why? What was it about being a famous pop star as a teenager that really attracted you? Do you love music, being on public view, did you like the fashion icon side of it, do you like performing, travelling, being adored? Be honest with yourself, there is no judgement in identifying what you truely find attractive about a certain 'dream job'. Can you get this essence in your current job?

What things really excite you now? When are you most happy? Do you like to be indoors or outdoors? Do you like working alone or with others? What would make you want to get up in the morning with a sense of excitement at starting the day? Is there a hobby you love that you could turn into a business? Do you find yourself being drawn to certain types of things? Maybe you love (like me) collecting vintage crockery and you could hire your collection out to people having events? Perhaps you are always setting your friends up on dates and could do this for a living? Maybe your friends always come to you when they want advice and you could train as a counsellor? Identify what really drives you in its essence.

3) Create a shortlist

Once you have identified the things you really love write each one down on a separate piece of paper and start to come up with ideas connected to each of these. I like creating mind maps but you can do this in any way that comes naturally to you. Mind map example shown below:

 

What ideas can you generate connected with each strand of enjoyment? You will naturally start with the most obvious ideas but as you think further your mind will become more creative - set yourself a challenge to come up with at least two more ideas than you can come up with without too much thought.

Connect the dots with your ideas, some of them might link really nicely. Perhaps you love being outside and also love working with children but want to have the flexibility to only work certain days? You could run workshops for children two days a week where you take them on nature walks and build dens as part of curriculum linked topics? Maybe you love shopping for a bargain, enjoy making lists and are generally very organised? Could you market your strengths as a virtual PA?

4) Ask your friends and family

Sometimes you don't actually recognise your own strengths or give them much value. This is where others around us can help to clarify things. Ask everyone you know (not incessantly..!) what they could see you doing in the future, what do they think you would be really good at? What do they value about you? Do they think you are always really coordinated when you dress? Do they think you make people feel at ease? Are you unafraid to voice opinions? Do you always try to get money off the bill? Their feedback can show you some of the things about you that you may not ever really thing of as being able to convert into strengths that can be used in a business.

5) Create your vision and question it

Once you have a few options for what you might want to create as your new job or business, draw up a picture of how that will look on a day to day basis. If you decide that you want your new career to be as a fashion blogger because you have identified that you enjoy writing, wearing the latest fashions and you want to work flexibly and sometimes from home - think about what you would need to do on a day to day basis after all the exciting and hard work of getting it established would be - is it what you want? Are you willing to spend the time necessary? Are you committed to it? How would it affect the others around you? Is that ok with you? This is the time to refine your ideas, develop them further and discard those that don't meet the top things on your 'must have' list. Once  you have your final vision make at least one step towards that goal immediately!

Next time in this series we will be looking at how to identify your strengths and weaknesses.

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Love Nova xxx