When you come to experience someone, perhaps for the first time, perhaps the first of many times (each is the first time you have experienced them in this moment), what you experience is not who they are...
That person that you really don't like...that person you love...that person who annoys you...that waitress who flirts all the time....that bloke who can always do things just that little bit better than you (apparently)...they are all people that you are experiencing, but what you experience is not who they are...
Take you on a good day:
You got up and your hair looked great, you were awake and fresh and feeling vibrant, you had a lovely breakfast, you popped into the local coffee shop to pick up a snack and a drink and because you feel so great you smile widely at the person behind the counter. You ask how they are, you wish them a good day, you are genuine, you are happy and you wanted them to feel good too...more than likely they will experience you as a bubbly, bright person that they enjoy seeing and left them feeling a little bit better than they did before as a result of having met you. Next time you see them they might even give you better service than normal, greet you with a smile, remember your order...
Take you on a bad day:
The kids woke you up at some un-Godly hour, you didn't have time for a shower, you are tired, you have an appointment you need to get to and you are running late, the boiler broke this morning so you know that you can't even have a shower when you get home (unless you fancy a cold one) and the day has already gone to pot before you even started it. This time you go into the local coffee shop and snap at the person serving you because they are taking ages to notice that you are standing there (too busy chatting...what are you invisible??), they get the order wrong so they have to start again and now you are even more late, you scowl at them and pretend that you mean it when you say 'thank you' even though you think they did a sloppy job and should quite frankly get fired. More than likely the person who served you will experience you as moody, ungrateful, unaware that they were trying their best, that you think you are better than them, that you are looking tired and grubby and they would be glad if they never saw you again...
Both are different experiences of you, they are not who you are. You are not bubbly and bright, nor are you grumpy and annoyed - they are expressions of you at a certain point of time that reflect what was going on for you at that moment, they lead to an experience of you in another's eyes but they are not YOU.
When you come across someone who holds a view of you because of a moment in time when they experienced you, try to remember that their impressions are formed in that moment and can last a lifetime unless they regularly experience you in another way after that (and even then it can be hard to shift first impressions).
By the same token, when you experience someone and you note that in that moment they are a reflection of tiredness, grumpiness, hostility or anything else you experience as negative that this is not who they are - this is just how you came to experience them in that one moment.
How will someone experience you today? How will you experience others? Will you see through your experience to something deeper in them?
It is also important to note that how YOU are will affect how you experience another. If you are full of self-doubt and meet another who you find to be unkind towards you (or not, depending on your own personality) because your experience is coloured by your own emotions and your self doubt will muddy the waters of your perception in that moment.
Here is a quick checklist for showing up as your best self:
1. Remember that the first impression you give can end up being the ONLY impression someone ever holds of you - make it a great one!
2. Others appear to you as a reflection of their own current experience - leave room for your first impressions to be wrong when you meet someone.
3. Your own state of mind will affect how you see another - before you decide what you think of them, check in with yourself and see what might be going on that could have biased your view.
When have you experienced someone in a way that has coloured your judgement of them? When have you felt misunderstood for who you really are? What do you do to show up as your best self?
I enjoyed this post and reminded me of my early NLP training when they used to discuss the topic of the "map not being the territory", I feel there's a comparison.
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