How Much Choice Do We Have Over How We Feel?

More than you might imagine! 

It is the greatest freedom we have as humans, to choose how to feel. It is the freedom that Viktor Frankl talks about in his book 'Man's Search for Meaning' an account of what he learned from his time in a Nazi Concentration Camp.

My favourite quote from the book is:

 'A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom of so many thinkers. The truth - that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.' 

 The salvation of man is through love and in love - that's a bold statement to make isn't it? How do you feel about that? Is it true? Can love save us all from everything?

As a Psychotherapist I have a view that love, in the end, is actually all we should be concerned with - however it HAS to include the love of self - a cliche right? No one can love you until you love yourself is just one of those overused things that we all say 'yeah I know' to in a bored sort of a way.

So what has this got to do with choice over how we feel? 

We all have a choice over whether we will choose a loving thought or a damaging thought and we can start with ourselves here in a very practical way so that we can really examine whether it works or not to always employ love as our first thought.

As an aside 'love' can feel like a very loaded word to some people and you may find that it is uncomfortable to use it - in these cases I ask my clients to use the word 'life' or 'living' as a substitute. So you can ask (for example) 'am I bringing more life to my body/mind/soul?' instead.

So if we can save ourselves (as Frankl believes) through love, from depression, stress and anxiety we need to examine what that might actually look like.

Employing loving thoughts to see you through any difficult period of your life is unbelievably powerful and effective but it doesn't start and end with muttering 'I love myself' now and again in an attempt to fool your subconscious into feeling amazing all the time.

Employing loving thoughts to work for you covers EVERY area of your life:

Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your body? 

• Do you give it food that helps it to perform at it's best? 
• Do you ensure it has enough sleep (as often as you can)? 
• Do you keep it moving and keep it challenged and keep it lean and strong?

 Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your mind? 

• Do you treat it as you would treat another with respect and kindness? 
• Do you forgive yourself when you have treated yourself badly and look to address it in the future? 
• Do you look for the best of your thoughts and concentrate on those? 

Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your soul?

• Do you give it time to rest? 
• Do you give it space to rejuvenate? 
• Do you give it time to enjoy the things that keep it nourished? 

Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your journey? 

• Do you respect the past and know that it has got you here today?
• Do you respect that your life is finite and that it must be lived whilst you have the chance?
• Do you answer the call of your life to move forward and to express itself?

Are you being loving towards your relationships, your friends and family, your work, your hobbies and activities....EVERY single area of life can be looked at in terms of self love and how often and to what level you are choosing a loving thought. 

How often do you choose how you feel by opting for a loving thought about yourself or another instead of a damaging thought? Or are you living by default, not consciously choosing your thoughts about anything but letting them run riot and then having the fall out of the upsetting feelings that result? Most of us have done this for a large portion of our lives so don't feel bad about this or judged by it, just know that there IS a choice, no matter how little evidence of that you see currently.

Is it easy to choose how to feel? Yes and No. Yes, when you get the hang of it...but no it's not always that easy because it does take quite a lot of work and effort to continuously choose our thoughts in order to affect how we feel, the easy option is just to sink into feeling rubbish about ourselves or our lives or to let a train of thought take hold and drag us down until it feels like we have no control at all.

This is the subconscious way of living your life at the moment, it can change into a new subconscious way of being but it needs to become conscious first in order for that change to occur. Much like driving a car, you have to consciously learn the skill first and then you drive automatically without thinking about it much.

We are so used to that cycle of living life at a subconscious level where our thoughts are left unchecked that sometimes that we have forgotten that we have a choice...we can stop thinking that way and choose a more helpful thought, those thoughts will gather momentum in exactly the same way as a depressing or worried or stressed thought does and eventually we gather enough momentum to dramatically affect how we feel.

So in answer to the initial question of how much choice we have over how we feel, we have TOTAL choice. That is not to say that we shouldn't ever allow sadness, grief or worry into our lives, these are signs of love too...but what it does mean is that we never have to stay in sadness for longer than we are willing to, let the sadness live its purpose, let it indicate to you how deeply you feel and then, when you are ready, know that you can choose a new thought that helps you move forward towards happiness again.

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Love Nova xxx

No one said it would be all plain sailing!

No that's right, no one ever did say that. But perhaps that's part of the problem? 

Perhaps that's what put you off in the first place? Maybe what you need is a bit of support? Maybe hearing that it will be difficult, that you will work harder than ever, that money will not flow easily into your bank account each month like a regular salary does, is not helpful?

I'm not saying all of that stuff is not true but every journey is different and you need to find your own truth instead of filling your head with negativity and bad expectations before you even start. You're a sensible person, you've considered all of the things that might happen already, it doesn't take a genius to work out that things might get tricky and that quitting the 9 to 5 might not be a bed of roses all the time. So instead of listening to more of the same scary thoughts try to replace them with positive ones and remember why you are doing this.

Before you start on your journey, or even right now wherever you are on your journey, remind yourself why you are doing this. Write it down. Get a piece of paper and write a letter to yourself outlining all the reasons why you have made this decision.

Maybe you are thinking, 'but I didn't make this decision, I have to do this because I was made redundant or because I am unemployed', that's ok, this applies to you too. Whether it seems that way or not you have got choices, you have the choice to stay where you are or to move forward, everyone has that choice and everyone has to make it.

So write the letter and tell yourself that you are doing this, you are embarking on this new choice for certain reasons and then write all of those reasons down like a list (or however you like). Make it a letter than inspires you later on when you need to remember what led you here, talk kindly to yourself.

Remember that the decisions you make now should say something about who you are, about what you believe in, about what you think is right. Understand what your values are and live by them and you won't go far wrong.

So if you believe that beautiful things make people feel better about themselves, then feel good about the fact that you want to become a fashion designer or a jewelry maker - you are living by your values.

The only reason that anyone consciously makes changes in their lives (and sometimes unconsciously - think about the job you hated and therefore didn't do well and consequently didn't progress in or eventually left - even though you needed the money), is because they are not currently happy where they are. Use this to your advantage...you, on some level, can be very happy that this is where you are because now you have a blank sheet, a new page and you can write on it something different to what went before.

What do you want your life and your work to say about you? What will your decisions say about you? Will you decide that this is a good thing or a bad thing?

So no, no one said it would be plain sailing but you have your reasons, you have your values, you have your own decisions to make and you can still sail, whatever the weather. 

What would you write to yourself about why you are doing this? Share your reasons and inspire others!

Love Nova xxx

Get the Life you Want NOW!

Deciding that you want to quit the 9-5 is one thing, knowing what you are going to do next is quite another! Maybe you have an idea, maybe you have literally no idea apart from knowing that a change is necessary. That's ok, that's a good starting point!


So what is it that you want to change? 


Your working hours?
Your commute?
Your surroundings?
Your day to day activities?

Very often people can feel strongly about what they don't want anymore, about what they wish to be different, so start there. List all the things that you don't want anymore or that you wish to be different. Get mad if you want to, write down every annoying little thing that you are no longer happy with in your life.

Then, once you have exhausted the list, look back at what you have written down and try to categorise the areas of your life that these things come under.

Handy Hint - write down each of your 'don't want' points on a post-it note so that you can move them around under different headings.

You might have a few of the following headings to work under:

Work
Friendships
Family
Relationships
Money
Holidays
Home
Me Time

Some things will come under more than one heading but choose the heading that is most affected by your 'don't want'. For example, 'I don't want to have to work until 8pm every night' could come under work, family, relationships, friendships and Me Time but choose the area that is most affected by the fact that you work these hours. Work is not that affected, in fact, if you found something you really loved you might be happily and joyfully working until 8pm as long as it didn't affect your family - so family is maybe the category that is most affected.

Once you have done this, look back and see which category is the most affected by your current situation. This is the category you should start looking at first.

Take your first category and start to change those 'don't wants' into 'Positive Desires'. Positive Desires are the same thing put in a different way and it's an important step towards achieving. Positive Desires need to be phrased in a particular way for them to be powerful enough to help you move towards them.

If your current 'don't want' is: I don't want to work until 8pm every night. Think carefully about why you don't want this anymore. What would you prefer to be doing instead? Perhaps you would prefer to be spending time with friends, perhaps you would like to have time to cook more meals, maybe you want to be spending quality time with your children or partner? Whatever it is that working till 8pm prevents you from doing, try to identify it. Maybe it't just that you want this time back to use as you please and not for a specific purpose, that's good too.

So now to re-word your 'don't want'.


I don't want to work until 8pm every night would become I have lots of spare time during which I....

Notice that this new desire is set in the present tense so that your mind is becoming rewired to believe that it is already happening. By doing this you are allowing your brain the freedom to recognise opportunities for free time and to point these out to you on a subconscious level. The brain responds to what you tell it - if you tell it that you have no free time it will seek out ways to confirm this and 'no free time' is all you will see. There is lots of evidence to support this. Derren Brown repeated a well known experiment where he asked people in the street to look through a newspaper to find a specific article. Their brains were focused on only this so they missed completely the full page advert in bold type which said something like 'If you see this you will be given £100!' Their brains were not open to seeing anything else because they had been told that there was an article they had to look for and everything else was ignored. Make sure that you are telling your brain the right things to look for or it will find only the things you have focused on. Focus on 'no time' and 'no time' is exactly what your brain is programmed to look for and find evidence of.

Once you have turned all your 'don't want's into Positive Desires sit back and see what kind of life you have outlined for yourself. 

Imagine in vivid detail what life would look like if it was lived in line with all your Positive Desires. Close your eyes and see it. See the life in which you wake up happy and full of energy, where your working life is a joy that you look forward to, where you have time for all the things you enjoy, where all the bills get paid easily and with money still in the bank for all kinds of exciting things, where you have reconnected with those around you, where your relationships are thriving and you are living in the house of your dreams. Try not to censor this, immerse yourself in it fully and enjoy it the same way you would enjoy a wonderful dream. Feelings are the key to giving life to your dreams - so feel every happy moment of this life you have created through your Positive Desires.

Outline your ideal day.

Once you have seen this and enjoyed it, take a new piece of paper (I keep a journal for the purpose of all these exercises) and write in detail your ideal day. Write what would happen from the moment you wake to the moment you go to sleep and make it the most perfect day you could ever imagine.

Read this every day if you can. Read your Positive Desires everyday and keep them up somewhere that will remind you to read them through (I have a lovely framed whiteboard in my breakfast room and I write one of my affirmations, or a positive thought on here with a silly little picture next to it every week. My son always reads it and the two of us have it in full view every morning so that we can take it in even without really noticing most of the time).

Before you go to sleep each night imagine your life as you desire it and see yourself living this life. 

Feel happy as you do so (feeling depressed because it hasn't happened yet will trick your brain into thinking you will never have it and 'I will never have it' is what your brain will begin to find opportunities to confirm).

Once you have got into this mind set, finding what you want to do is much easier. What job or business could you do that would meet the checklist criteria for your new imagined life? What would bring you great joy? The money side of things will be covered in a later blog but for now you need to define what you want, not what would bring you the most money - that's never going to work out long term.

What is your ideal life? What would an ideal day be for you? Share it!

Love Nova xx